Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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