Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
