dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
