I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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