How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
