She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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