I CAN MOONWALK!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
