Got a toothbrush?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
