I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
