so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
