there's paper in my vomit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
