last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
