you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
