He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
