Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
