Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
