based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
