i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
