That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
