I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
