I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize