Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
