When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
