Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
