I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize