How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
that's an acceptable place to lick
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
