just come out here and I will go home with you...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
