i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
false alarm. still invincible.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
