Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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