Your dad touched me again.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She bit a glass in half.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
