I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
