She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You are the jesus of drinking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
