and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize