I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
