when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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