I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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