At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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