From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
