I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
