if you like me you must not know who I am
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
