Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
