The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
