I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
