one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
