Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
