Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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