Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
