I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
