So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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