remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
