I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
