life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish my penis had an off switch
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
why do cheetos always look like penises
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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