"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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