btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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