You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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