So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
