did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
