you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
