I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
