I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
